This is Not a Pity Memoir: The heartbreaking and life-affirming bestseller from the writer of The Split

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It really happened. And what no one tells you about proper unfolding tragedy is that it is scary, and adrenalizing. This was such a good, moving read. And I think Abi Morgan sums it up brilliantly at the end of the book ( this is not a spoiler) . A powerful, fragmented journey through brain injury. This book will especially appeal to Morgan's fans, and to those who have experienced similar journeys." - Library Journal

This book gives us some insight into the journey of living with someone who has had a brain injury.Both very funny and as propulsive as a thriller . . . impossible to put down' RACHEL COOKE, Observer This novel portrays the feelings of disbelief that is primary, why such events happen. There is a grim determination to get answers, to get through this horror that has been inflicted upon a family, the attempts to regain all that has been lost, possibly for ever. There is always the hope that there will be better times ahead, but, we have to get used to a new normal. Spears’ vulnerability shines through as she describes her painful journey from vulnerable girl to empowered woman.

Abi’s husband Jacob, collapses after a drug that he was taking to control his MS, is withdrawn. He spends a year recovering, the results are devastating for the family and Jacob. This is a story of dealing with the darkest of times. Laced both with humour and with darkness. And love that shines through. What a book! I personally found it to be a very hard read, as Husband and I are also struggling with his ill health, that has totally affected our outlook on life. It is a powerful read, a highly emotional account of the life changing events that have affected all members of the her family. Perhaps one reason why I loved this book so much is because it really delivered on both these counts. Morgan writes so compellingly about the worst period in her life and often employs her expertise as a screenwriter by highlighting the moments that she would cut if she was writing a film, the elements of real life that wouldn’t have made it to the screen because of their messiness or inconvenience as a plot point. On one hand, as a fellow writer, this felt a little bit like being granted a masterclass from Morgan herself but simultaneously there was a very moving element of watching the author desperately try to make sense of her life in the way she knew best. She talks within the memoir of not having been sure how to tell the story - that she considered making a play before COVID hit and made that untenable. It also teaches us about being grateful for the things we have and the strength of the human spirit when they are hammered with tragic situations yet still find the heart to pull through. It also gives us an appreciation for all the caretakers out there, the ones who took care of people during Covid, and the families and friends who care for their loved ones selflessly.She met Jacob at a party. She’d always vowed not to get involved with an actor, but there he was: they collided with “absolute velocity”. By their fifth date, he’d virtually moved in. Their relationship wasn’t without its complications – their daughter was a baby when they first had counselling – but she was also certain about him, this energetic, joy-chaser of a man. Her parents (her mother is the actor Pat England, her father the theatre director Gareth Morgan) divorced when she was small, though they remained friendly, and somehow this has worked in her favour. “I’ve always felt less, rather than more, likely to separate,” she says. “Though I am curious about the legacy of divorce, for children.” But this is not a pity memoir. It's about meeting your person. And crazed late night Google trawls. It's about the things you wished you'd said to the person that matters then wildly over-sharing with the barista who doesn't know you at all. It's about sushi and the wrong shoes and the moments you want to shout 'cut'. It's about the silence when you are lost in space and the importance of family and parties and noise. This is, without a doubt, my best book so far of 2022 and it’s going to take some beating (not that it’s a competition). I was immediately intrigued first and foremost by the title because I love a memoir but do also often mull the boundaries inherent in writing such a piece - who is it for, what’s its function for the writer and so on. I’m also aware that Abi Morgan is a writer for stage and screen and so I was interested in how her work might translate to the stage. In response Morgan says: ‘I am so embarrassed. I am found out. “Me,” I want to shout. “I want to read it. Me.” But I don’t.’ The screenwriter Abi Morgan, best known for the films The Iron Lady, Shame and Suffragette and more recently for the much-loved BBC series The Split, works in a small flat above a perfumery in Islington, north London. Its rooms, pale and sleekly minimalist, not only smell lovely, the rose geranium and vetiver floating obligingly upwards; they’re also, for a writer, extraordinarily tidy. The casual visitor would not think for a single moment of fraught commissioning meetings and hurtling deadlines were it not for the little squares of paper that line one wall, on which the episodes of her latest project are neatly summarised. But like everything about Morgan, this tranquility is, perhaps, deceptive. While she, too, exudes a warm, outward calm, her interest extending to everyone she meets, inwardly it’s a different story. Sometimes, it’s as if a bomb has gone off deep inside her. “I am both absolutely the same and profoundly changed,” she says, sitting at her white table, turning her white coffee cup in her hand.

The author was concerned about building a life for the future together, with a man who would forever need carers, be physically-challenged and never be able to be intimate again. I do admire her for these efforts of building a life without passion, without even possibly sharing a bed again. Carer, parent and friend, but not lover - not an easy choice for a future. I understand 'for better for worse' but they weren't, in fact, married. One afternoon, Abi Morgan returned home to find her longtime partner and father to their two kids collapsed on the bathroom floor. Jacob, who had been undergoing treatment for multiple sclerosis, had suddenly experienced a series of seizures and had to be put into a medically induced coma. As he slowly regained consciousness after six months, he made tentative steps to communicate with those around him, and grappled with the host of issues that had been triggered by the damage caused to his brain. But while Jacob recognized his family and friends, he didn't believe that the Abi standing in front of him—who had sat by his hospital bed, juggled care of their children, and liaised with his slew of doctors as he slipped between life and death—was in fact his Abi. Instead, he saw a woman whom he believed to be an imposter. Similarly, she explores the title This is Not a Pity Memoir, describing a dinner party at which a drunk woman derides what she calls ‘pity memoirs’ when a young Morgan expresses an interest in adapting the late columnist Ruth Picardie’s book into a movie.

This Is Not a Pity Memoir

It confronts all the fears that are unspoken, but keep carers awake at night. I got better access to NHS services as a caregiver , rather than a wife!! I’m not ashamed to admit I cried over this book, it was a challenging read, but it did help, it did provide some comfort, it hinted at hope and a strong belief, that better times are ahead, and that is what you have to believe. A powerful book. Possibly cut with a montage to include the walk on Primrose Hill with my mum and Mabel and ice-skating at Somerset House in those last days of December. Lest I’ve made this book sound like an unrelenting gallop through misery, I’d also like to highlight how funny and witty is it. There’s the aforementioned dinner party, with the drunk girl becoming ever drunker and more irritating. There’s Jacob and Abi’s burgeoning love story, complete with unexpected baby and fusing of cultural traditions. There are snapshots of family life - Jacob’s enthusiasm for adventure, his relationship with his children and his talent of acting. As someone who often feels alienated by cultural references in books it was also a delight to finally feel totally seen as Morgan shares her family’s love of theatre, exploring Judaism and Tim Minchin lyrics. If I hadn’t hammered it home by now, just to confirm: Big fan of this book. It’s moving, sad, heartwarming, unexpected, funny and clever. Plus more. If you love a pity memoir - this is one of the best I’ve ever read. This is one of those memoirs that everyone needs to read. The author was so honest and I can’t even imagine going through what she did. This book had me tearing up so much and at the end I finally cried. Gosh this book broke me. I don’t really have anything to say other than read it if you enjoy memoirs or if you want something emotional. I always struggle with reviewing/rating memoirs because it's important to remember these are true stories. These authors are sharing their lives with us and who am I to say it was boring/uninteresting just because I didn’t connect with it?